Self-Care

Have you ever paused a moment, and realized that even though you know what you need to do, you’re not doing it?

I’m rather annoyed with myself, because that’s exactly where I am right now.

I have willingly accepted taking on much more stress and responsibility.  Because I’m removing it from someone else’s shoulders, temporarily.  Because they need the break.  They deserve the break.

So, I figure for 3 months, I can handle some extra responsibility.

Except, I made a fatal flaw.

I failed to mentally and emotionally prepare to handle all of this additional stress.  And I allowed the stress to overwhelm me.

How incredibly easy does this happen to all of us?  We allow the external forces in our lives take over, and we, quite literally, lose our dadgum minds.  We don’t allow the stress to be managed in a healthy and appropriate way, and we get sick (which I did) and grumpy (that definitely happened).

And then, inevitably, we end up wallowing in self-pity.

Ok, maybe I wasn’t so much wallowing in self-pity so much as I let the grumpiness seep through every aspect of my life.  I let that take over, and I just had a bad attitude about, well, lots of things.  I had a bad attitude at God.  God, why am I going through this? God, why do I feel like this? God, why aren’t things just working out how they are supposed to? God, why don’t people just do the things they’re supposed to do?

Basically, the long list of questions I was asking God, and having a bad attitude toward was really my own fault.  Because…I didn’t do the thing I knew I was supposed to do.

SAID that I had all of my trust in God.

But what I really meant is that God is totally in charge, but I’m still going to worry about it, and tell God how I want Him to handle my problem.

Ok, so now that I know all of that, and I have realized all of that…I can move forward.

First, I can now channel some of the stress that I am feeling into a more positive way.

Second, I can change my attitude.

I got smacked in the face the other day while reading my Bible.  The words took a running jump off the page and smacked me in the face.  This thing made me realize that I was screwing up in a major way.

I stopped praising and thanking God for the things in my life.

I was still talking to God…about everything.  But my attitude toward Him while we were talking just stunk.  I had a great deal of stinkin’ thinkin’ going on.  And I was whining and complaining to God about all of the things in my life.  And while I said I was grateful and thankful…my attitude clearly showed that I was not.

Now, though I am not 100% cured of my negative Nancy-ness…I’m getting there.  Though the stress and the worry are still there, the burden upon my shoulders is much less.

I have even started thinking that I am grateful for the stress.  Because God has placed me in a position to be able to help.  This thing right now, it’s a blessing.

I know, without a doubt, I will one day look back and say I’m glad I did this.  I’m glad I got to spend the time doing this.

I.  Am.  Grateful.

Progress Report #1

4 days into my life, post banishing my scale, and I’m not gonna lie…this is hard.  (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, go read Be Gone, Evil Thing!)

Have you ever been addicted to anything?  I’m not even talking about smoking, or alcohol or things worse than that.  You can be addicted to just about anything. So, then, breaking that addiction can be a challenge.  

That’s basically what this feels like.  Like I’m feening to weigh myself.

I haven’t.  But I kind of want to.  

I have handed this struggle over to God, but I’m not so sure I can handle not being in control.

Why, as humans, as Christians, do we insist on turning something over to God…Jesus take the wheel…and then picking it right back up.  Ok, sometimes we yank it back from God’s hands. And hold it close. Like we’re a toddler unwilling to share a toy.

This happens all the time.  I know I do it way too often.  One moment, I’m completely trusting God to handle something, because lord knows I’m not strong enough to handle it on my own.  But then I keep worrying about it. And I pick it back up. Because worrying about it is obviously going to make me feel so much better about the situation.  And my worrying about it is obviously going to solve the problem.

I’m sorry, can I roll my eyes any louder?

When you hand something over to God, wouldn’t it be fantastic if He gave us this big, flashing neon sign with the answer?  

Of course it would.

Have you ever actually gotten such a sign from God?

No.  

God does, in fact, speak to us.  But sometimes we have to pay very close attention to the world around us, because God isn’t going to use a big, flashing neon sign.  Nope, he’s going to use what is happening in the world around us to answer our prayers.

Now is this going to look exactly like what we want it to?

Probably not.

So it can be frustrating when God is speaking to us, but we’re not using the right tools to hear him.  We aren’t using the correct ruler to measure the progress on how God is handling the situation.

So how does this all fit in with banishing my scale?

Stick with me, I can explain.

When I banished my scale, I did so purposefully.  Because I was using my scale, and the number on it, to determine my self-worth.  The number on the scale was telling me something that deep down, I just know isn’t true.  That number was telling me that I wasn’t good enough, not strong enough, not worthy enough.

When whatever ruler you are using to measure your self-worth is telling you such negative things, BANISH IT!!

As I originally stated, I would still keep track of my nutrition, more as a tool to keep myself in check, and avoid gluttony.  Not going to lie, I have a tendency to binge eat, on occasion. So keeping track of calories helps keep me in check.

And I have been doing that.  In fact, my nutrition has been on point this week.  

It also helps that the weather has finally decided to stay above freezing, and I have been able to get out and exercise (ie, let my dog Cheese take me for a walk) every day.  Between being sick, and the weather, an overwhelming laziness came over me. And that isn’t me. At all. So I am taking full advantage of the weather.

So between eating right.  And exercising. And despite a cold.  I feel great!

Of course, because I feel so great, I’m curious about what that number on the scale is going to say.  

IF…and I do say IF…I would decide to break down, and allow my scale to return from exile, 1 of 2 things would happen.  The first option would be that it would confirm my feeling good, and the number would have gone down. But then, I’ve been exercising, and even though there are other factors in play (loss of fat, gain of muscle, etc).  So the second possibility is that the number has gone up. Which even despite the fact that I may have lost fat and gained muscle, would crush my soul. I would be devastated. The feeling fantastic would immediately turn into depression, all because of a stupid number on a scale.

So let me ask you this question, why, oh why, oh why are we not satisfied with how we feel?  

Right now, the ruler based solely on how I feel is amazing.  And I guarantee, the moment I step on a scale, that feeling is going to change.  

That, that right there is what has stopped me from breaking the exile.  

I.  Feel.  Good.

Nothing else matters.

So even though I’m curious, I am staying strong.

Actually, no.  No I’m not. I am not strong.  God is strong. God is giving me the strength to do this.

4 days down.  At least 38 to go.