This. Is. Ridiculous.

Have you ever prayed what you felt was an absolutely absurd, ridiculous prayer?

Even as you’re praying, you just feel dumb even praying the words.

I have done that a couple of times recently.

The holiday season is upon us.  And Hallmark movies are constantly being showed about everyone finding their one true love in just the nick of time.  And I love every single one of them.  I truly do.

Not because I believe that they’re true to life stories.  Or because I want a storybook ending.

But each and every one gives hope in situations where we can often feel hopeless.

Point of clarity: I am not blaming Hallmark, or their wonderful Christmas movies for what I’m about to tell you.

But it’s the holiday season.  A time where we all spend somewhere between too much and not enough time with our family members.  And it can be tough when you’re the single one in the family.

well im not married yet dear marilyn monroe GIF

I decided a while back that I was going to wait until God brought the perfect for me person into my life.

God’s taking a really long time about that.

Like, a REALLY long time.

A frustratingly long and ridiculous amount of time.

I’m being a brat about it.  Because, once again, I’m spending the holidays single.  No, that’s not it.  I’m being a brat because I’m trying to fit God’s plan into my plan.  I’m trying to pull back control on a situation that I already turned over to God.

And because I was trying to take charge, I almost made a stupid decision.  Ok, in my lifetime of stupid decisions, by far, not the worst of the stupid decisions.

I almost signed up for online dating.

Because I was lonely.

And because I’m frustrated.

And impatient.

And I feel like God isn’t moving in the ways that I want Him to move.

Because that’s not what God does.

And even though I know all of these things.  I still almost made a stupid decision.  So I prayed.  I prayed for God to help keep me from making a stupid decision.  And to remind myself that I’m really not the one in charge anyway.

I’m not saying that I’m 100% of the way there.  But at least I acknowledge that I almost did a stupid thing.

That’s progress, right?

A Million Tiny Pieces

“Today is my last day.”

Ok, I said.

And he kept telling me the long list of things that happened.  And where they were going.

And all I could say was “ok.”

I just kept saying ok over and over and over again.  Because if I said anything more than that, I would break down sobbing.

Because I needed to remain strong, because as he was telling me why he was leaving, he was shaking and trying not to cry himself.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Meanwhile, on the inside, my heart shattered into a million pieces.

These are my kids.  My kids that aren’t biologically mine.  My kids that don’t live with me.  But they are my kids, because I work with them every single day.  And I care about them.  My kids because they may not live in my house, but they certainly live in my heart.

My kids who are leaving me, because home is no longer a safe place for them to be.

I am heartbroken.

They are heartbroken.  Because even though home isn’t a great place to be, they’re being sent off into a new, and scary place to be.  One where their best friends won’t be every day.  One where the teachers that have taken them under their wings, and loved on, protected and guided through life won’t be.

God is in control.  I know that.

But when I could, I cried in the staff restroom.  And then pulled myself together, or at least tried to.  So my grief over the situation wouldn’t make things even worse.

It’s a new day.

It’s a tough day.

But it is a day we will get through.