Self-Care

Have you ever paused a moment, and realized that even though you know what you need to do, you’re not doing it?

I’m rather annoyed with myself, because that’s exactly where I am right now.

I have willingly accepted taking on much more stress and responsibility.  Because I’m removing it from someone else’s shoulders, temporarily.  Because they need the break.  They deserve the break.

So, I figure for 3 months, I can handle some extra responsibility.

Except, I made a fatal flaw.

I failed to mentally and emotionally prepare to handle all of this additional stress.  And I allowed the stress to overwhelm me.

How incredibly easy does this happen to all of us?  We allow the external forces in our lives take over, and we, quite literally, lose our dadgum minds.  We don’t allow the stress to be managed in a healthy and appropriate way, and we get sick (which I did) and grumpy (that definitely happened).

And then, inevitably, we end up wallowing in self-pity.

Ok, maybe I wasn’t so much wallowing in self-pity so much as I let the grumpiness seep through every aspect of my life.  I let that take over, and I just had a bad attitude about, well, lots of things.  I had a bad attitude at God.  God, why am I going through this? God, why do I feel like this? God, why aren’t things just working out how they are supposed to? God, why don’t people just do the things they’re supposed to do?

Basically, the long list of questions I was asking God, and having a bad attitude toward was really my own fault.  Because…I didn’t do the thing I knew I was supposed to do.

SAID that I had all of my trust in God.

But what I really meant is that God is totally in charge, but I’m still going to worry about it, and tell God how I want Him to handle my problem.

Ok, so now that I know all of that, and I have realized all of that…I can move forward.

First, I can now channel some of the stress that I am feeling into a more positive way.

Second, I can change my attitude.

I got smacked in the face the other day while reading my Bible.  The words took a running jump off the page and smacked me in the face.  This thing made me realize that I was screwing up in a major way.

I stopped praising and thanking God for the things in my life.

I was still talking to God…about everything.  But my attitude toward Him while we were talking just stunk.  I had a great deal of stinkin’ thinkin’ going on.  And I was whining and complaining to God about all of the things in my life.  And while I said I was grateful and thankful…my attitude clearly showed that I was not.

Now, though I am not 100% cured of my negative Nancy-ness…I’m getting there.  Though the stress and the worry are still there, the burden upon my shoulders is much less.

I have even started thinking that I am grateful for the stress.  Because God has placed me in a position to be able to help.  This thing right now, it’s a blessing.

I know, without a doubt, I will one day look back and say I’m glad I did this.  I’m glad I got to spend the time doing this.

I.  Am.  Grateful.

Stuck Between The Rock and a Grumpy Place

Disclaimer: I am trying desperately not to have a pity party.

Disclaimer, the second:  I am not referring to Dwayne Johnson.  

The logical and pragmatic side of my brain is telling me I am fine.  The human, emotional, side of my brain is grumpy. Why, might you ask?  Well…let me tell you.

I am trying to give up on any preconceived notions I have for my life.  Letting go of the plans that I have made for my life, and focusing, or at least trying to, on God’s plan for my life.  

And I’m grumpy about it, currently.

Because I feel like I’m what one of my students have called me: a loser.  

And maybe not even necessarily a loser, just that I don’t have much of a life.  I come to work, I try to kick booty and be awesome. Then I go home, and I hang out with my dog.  I eat dinner. Watch TV. And go to bed. And if I talk to anyone outside of school, most of the time it’s my parents.  

And I’m not even saying that any of the things that I do are bad.  Because I’m not. I am comfortable enough with myself (now) to spend time alone with myself.  It took some time to get to that place, but I’m there. I can do things by myself, for myself.  

But as I was getting ready this morning, I was thinking about my life, and I have to ask…is this it?  Is this all there is ever going to be?

So, moving back to the logical side of my brain, and knowing God as I do…I KNOW that if this is what God has planned for my life, I KNOW that He is going to give me the strength to get through it, and survive, and hopefully be happy.  I get that.

But right now, I’m not happy about it.  I’m grumpy.

I’m at that place, and let’s be real honest, I have been there for a long time, where all of my friends are married.  And now they have children. And those children are growing up.

And then, off to the sidelines is me.  Cheering them on. And able to cheer them on from a place that is pure and honest with my absolute joy for their lives.  

But at the same time, feeling left out.  

Maybe moving past this feeling is just part of the process that I need to go through.  A process of grief, you might say.

So that’s where I’m at right now.  Stuck between God’s plan for my life.  And being grumpy about it.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll have a brighter outlook.